This is a continuation of discussion at Abagond’s blog: why is it so uncommon for white men to marry black women? Why do black women seem to be less desired, on the dating market, than other women? Are these women undesirable? This explanation is extremely unlikely, anecdotally speaking. (Gorgeous black women have the same issue; for beautiful women, they have long single spells.) Moreover, the OkCupid study controlled for facial attractiveness and this correlation was still found. Is it racism? Possibly, but it’s unlikely to be a complete explanation, since 85% of adults under 50 approve of interracial marriage.
Here’s a radical hypothesis: WM/BW pairings are rare not because of widespread male racism, but because the men who tend to be most egalitarian in their dating preferences, although there are a large number of them, tend to be less assertive in general. I’ll invoke those someday-to-be-banned dating buzzwords– alpha and beta— yet again. High-beta men tend to be monogamous and quality-focused, sometimes to a fault. In other words, they’re great husbands and fathers, but often very selective. This selectivity is, in general, good for the cause of racial equality for the obvious reason: highly selective people couldn’t afford to be racist, even if they wanted to be. An example of this seen in the challenging arena of high-IQ dating (which is the thrice-distilled essence of the high-beta predicament). A large proportion of the very smart (140+ IQ) people I know are in interracial relationships. Those in the center of the bell curve can afford to be a bit shallow, filtering on all kinds of relatively useless metrics. On the other hand, if you’re in the tail, you’re a “niche” dater and the number of eligible partners you’ll meet in your life may be in the single digits. You can’t exclude anyone good on such silly criteria.
Being selective, beta males are never skirt-chasers. In fact, we make far fewer approaches than the desperate gammas and the whorish alphas. Among such men, we’re often invisible. Some high betas (such as myself, a fairly assertive high-beta) will ask women out, and will make first moves, but we never “chase”. We’re not into “challenge” or “hard-to-get”; we prefer the above-board, straightforward approach. If a woman is not as above-board as we are, we tend to assume that she’s not interested and move on. Luckily for black women, they tend to be much more above-board than their white counterparts, and this is one of the reasons why nerdy, high-beta white men like me are (quietly) falling in love with the educated, strong black woman.
On a related note to this beta predicament, women of all races have a sense that they’re “only” pursued by assholes. This is understandable, since the alphas and gammas (who are more similar to each other than to betas in their attitudes, differing only on the matter of success) tend to make 10-50 times as many approaches, even though the betas are more common. At hand is an adverse “weighting” effect, similar to what we see in online dating, where most of the people are normal, but most of the activity involves the socially defective, who spend an order of magnitude more time on the sites than the average user.
What of the “alpha” jerks? These men are assertive, but they tend to provide the wrong kind of attention, especially for black women. They tend to have a high interest in “scoring” women of other races, but their dating focus is still on white, blonde “HB10s”. Alphas are self-absorbed narcissists, concerned strongly with social status. As I’ve said before, a man who is not obsessed with psychosocial dominance (“game”) generally won’t have it. Alphas judge a woman’s value based on one criterion: how she makes him look to others (including– if not especially– his future affairs). Such men will only date a woman of another race if she bolsters the image that the man wishes to project, so they shouldn’t be considered to be desirable long-term partners.
Educated black women who are looking to date white men should forget about the alphas and gammas and pursue high betas exclusively. These men have enough of an open mind, and enough confidence, to date black women. Black women often observe that these men are inassertive, and assume that race is a major factor. I disagree. I think these men are generally shy toward women of all races, and also very selective.
However, I do believe that black women, in the US, are still underrated. In my opinion, middle-class, educated black women are among the best women to date– in addition to being beautiful and intelligent, they’re fully American, but with great values, very cultured and compassionate, and generally not spoiled. (Second-generation Asian immigrants are not far behind them, for similar reasons.) I don’t care to discuss racial averages, which are irrelevant. Among the women hitting the highest of the high notes– the only women who matter, from a marital perspective– I’d guess that fully one-third of them are black. Sadly, most beta white men haven’t figured this out yet. But those of us who have are out there.